Background:
My morning ritual involves getting up, folding my San Marcos covers, sitting in silence en la sala next to Zeus my Frenchie pillow to clear my mind and thank Diosito for another day followed by the usual preps of getting ready for work. Stuff like doing my hair (un chonguito or trenza), grabbing a yogurt, perhaps an English muffin with that 50/50 Jalapeno schmear/cream cheese mix, packing a gym bag, getting into my lil’ mini cooper and driving to get a cup of coffee. Although a drive-tru establishment would be ideal, it’s hard to land one in downtown MKE (yes, la ‘gueba is real).
On the Battle Grounds:
So, this morning, as I am ordering my usual drink (soy Caramel Brulée Latte during the winter) I discover that Wisconsin is testing the Caramel Flan Latte. They launched it today Jan. 2nd 2013, so I had to try it.
“I’ll have a venti… caramel…. wait, is that a flan latte?! I’ll have that,” I expressed to the barrista.
In my true millennial style, I immediately tweet about how I’m ordering this beverage and how I would post a review for those that care.
(not the actual picture)
That review:
I picked up the damn venti cup—which I figured was a dumb move since I was trying this out for the first time and if I hated it I would be stuck with 20 oz of liquid garbage. Ni modo I had that “pa’arriba, pa’abajo, pa` el centro y pa’ dentro” mentality seeing that today was my Monday equivalent after all the new year merriments.
So I took the first sip: It started off with an unpleasant kick of sweetness. Hijos de la chingada, this is sweet. Is the whip cream 100% caramel, too? Note to self: next time, no whip. When I finally got to the actual beverage, I was transported to the anxiety of cutting into a real flan… you know, that Russian roulette feeling that it might be a good flan, like my Tia Judith’s choco-flan, or nasty like la comadre de mi Tia Soco—una senora media cuachalota that made flan for mi Tia Soco during turkey day festivities… I honestly don’t know what prompted me to taste that shit in the first place. As we all know, not all flan is created equal and it appears in many cultures with varieties in name & ingredients. The scale in my mind was ready, ranging from choco-flan delicious, to flan-de- la-comadre-cuachalota-awful.
Regular flan is sugar liquefied that is then set aside for hardening (to create the top coat), a mixture of evaporated milk, sweetened condensed milk and more sugar, tons of it, drizzled in caramel. As the least sweet tooth inclined person on earth, the sugarload was very overbearing & dreadful. I wanted coffee, and ended up with 20 oz of undertones of the flan-de- la-comadre-cuachalota, loaded with sugar! I knew I should have ordered a tall….or stuck with the original caramel latte.
Moral of the story:
Don’t expect authentic flan flavor. Starbucks is trying, right? Didn’t they also launch a “Chantico” chocolate beverage that was short lived? I guess these ethnic flairs start of as a good idea, but quickly fizzle. Will I order this again? Maybe I will to figure out how many pumps of this flan-flavored sweetener will make it “just right.” I like coffee & its sabor and this flan/coffee seems to be a combination that is doomed for failure. I’m still chugging water because the coat of what feels like a layer of butter, has taken over my mouth. #TragameTierra
